The Toddler Hostage Situation: Trading Blue Tac for Sanity
Let’s be honest: trying to get a toddler to put on shoes when they’ve discovered a fascinating piece of blue tac is less like "parenting" and more like a high-stakes standoff.
There are ways to a meaningful agreement. We promise ❤️
Just like us, our little ones often operate on their own internal programming. They are "here but not here," absorbed in a world where a sticky adhesive is infinitely more important than the grocery run. But before you resort to the "loud demands" phase of the morning, consider the Presence Gap.
The Statistics of Autopilot
Recent insights into early childhood education reveal a crucial reality. While exemplary educators spend roughly 62.3% of their day actively engaged with children , only about 9.8% of that time is spent in truly intentional teaching. Why? Because the high demands of the learning context—cleaning rosters, documentation, and the general "whirlwind" of the day—often force us onto autopilot.
At home, the "whirlwind" is dinner prep and work emails. When our minds are elsewhere, our children sense the disconnect. They don't just need a headcount; they need a connection. In Australian childcare and kinders, this is known as Relational Pedagogy—the idea that children learn best through "secure, respectful, and reciprocal relationships".
Negotiating with your "Mini-Monkie"
To shift from the chaos of autopilot to the calm of connection, we have to "empty our cup" and tune in to that piece of blue tac. This is where we take a leaf out of the book of Chris Voss, a former lead FBI hostage negotiator.
Voss teaches that to get what you want, you first have to acknowledge the other person's "world." In toddler-speak, that means to get the shoes on, you might have to give a little to get a little.
The "Hostage Negotiator" Technique for Parents: Instead of a "Yes/No" demand, offer two "wins" to foster a sense of agency—a core principle of the Early Years Learning Framework (EYLF V2.0):
The Tactical Negotiation: "I see that blue tac is very sticky! Do you want to hold it while you put on your left shoe first, or your right shoe first?"
The Illusion of Control: You aren't asking if they will put on shoes; you are negotiating how. You’ve acknowledged their "priority" (the tac) while staying intentional about your goal (leaving the house).
By being "with" them in that small, silly moment, you move from a routine-led body to a purpose-led parent.
You're not just getting out the door; you’re building the foundational resilience that comes from being heard.